One "reluctant pushy parent" told the BBC News website about her dilemma over whether or not to coach her daughter for the 11-plus test in Buckinghamshire. Now the results are out another problem has arisen ....
118. After weeks of nervous waiting, there it was in black and white: 118.
Three measly points short of the mystical 121 that would have secured our daughter a place at a Bucks grammar school.
"Fantastic, well done, you came so close, only three points away..."
And then a big, silent hug.
Advice
Only minutes before, our happy-go-lucky, eternally optimistic, never-let-anything-get-me-down daughter had been confidently striding out of school waving the official envelope, saying: "This contains my destiny..."
And now it looked like her "destiny" was not the girls' grammar school she'd fallen in love with on the open evening, but the upper school (secondary modern) which had barely registered a blip on her radar.
That's the problem round here. Her head teacher had advised parents against even looking at the grammar schools if the child in question did not stand a chance of passing the 11-plus, to avoid getting their (and our) hopes up.
But our daughter did stand a chance and, of course, everyone wants the best for their child. And in Bucks, the best is perceived by many to be the grammar schools...
Open evenings
It is not the same all over the county, but in our corner there is a girls' grammar and an upper school which are within walking distance but which in many other respects are miles apart.
 |  If she had sailed through there would be no questions, equally if she had fallen miles short - but she has always been in that grey area  |
The grammar is a much bigger school, with a bigger and probably wealthier parent support structure, and it shows. It boasts "ever-improving facilities", including a spanking new, aircraft-hangar-sized sports hall and shiny performing arts complex.The much smaller upper school occupies a slightly tired-looking collection of buildings. There is a modest new library but some of the classrooms are housed in what looks like a converted 1970s terrace.
When the schools held their open evenings for prospective pupils, girls at the grammar were well groomed, articulate and proud to be showing off their school.
The pupils we met at the upper school were enjoying an evening hanging around with their mates and were not particularly bothered about enticing new pupils through the school doors.
The grammar achieves fantastic results and has done for years. The upper school is getting good results now - relatively speaking - but look back a bit and that certainly has not always been the case.
'Failure'
So now we are faced with a dilemma. After all the months of hard work (and coaching) that has gone into getting our daughter this far, do we appeal? Or do we accept that because she fell just below this arbitrary 121 that she's "not good enough" to go to a grammar school?
Of course it is not the be-all and end-all. We will support our daughter wherever she goes and do our best to ensure she shines at whatever she does.
But at the moment, it doesn't matter how you dress up the results, how PC you want to be, our daughter has "failed" to get the right number of points. And nobody wants their child to be classed a "failure" at the age of 10.
If she had sailed through there would be no questions, equally if she had fallen miles short. But she has always been in that grey area.
So now we are faced with a very difficult choice: What if we pushed her this far and she has not got what it takes to be a grammar school girl?
She has a real zest for life, an undimmed optimism. Do we want to crush all that out of her by sending her to a school where she'll struggle to keep up? Or would she rise to the challenge?
Or do we send her to a school where she might be top of the form but never stretched beyond her comfort zone?
Have we just been suckered into the Bucks system? Shelling out hundreds of pounds for extra coaching in the belief it would buy our daughter 11-plus success and a grammar school place?
Friends
She is thankfully too young to really understand the significance of her result.
All she cares about is that her closest friends have all passed and she hasn't.
"We are going to appeal," is what she's telling anyone who asks.
As parents we are skilled in the art of expectation management, but her high hopes of success on this one are going to take some managing.
The statistics tell us that just over a third of appeals are successful. So, by clever process of deduction, two thirds are not.
Read the 11-plus internet forums and there is plenty of advice out there.
Listen to the playground gossip and everyone knows someone who won an appeal with less than 118 - or lost an appeal with more.
We have a few weeks to gather the evidence to prove our daughter would succeed at grammar school. But what if we are wrong? 
We invited your comments on the issues raised. Here is a selection:
My heart goes out to you really and truly because of the so-called choice you have to make. Surely the best school should cater for all pupils, regardless of abilities? You may want to use your previous 'pushy parent' label to secure more for your daughter in the secondary modern - remember that the UNI's now take into consideration what type of school your child has suceeded in -so she may well win out in the end!
V Bodington, Athens, Greece
Can she not transfer to a grammar school in the coming years? In europe this would certainly be possible, provided test results are above a certain standard. Only having one chance to go to grammar school puts unneccessary pressure on children at such a young age.
kat, uk
I suggest you move to a county (like Oxfordshire) where all children can go to one school and be set according to ability! My girls are both exceptional in academic work and do really well at the local comprehensive and none of this rubbish about deciding failure or success at 11! I know it seems drastic but it is only 40 miles up the road and we are talking about your daughters next few years!
Mary Tapper, United Kingdom
In my opinion you should appeal, for the sake of your daughter and the stress you went through. Good luck!
Mrs Tick, Greenwich, London I agree. My 17 year-old daughter has always been in the top sets at our local comprehensive school. Last summer she obtained A grade AS levels and has already had offers from 2 very good universities to study chemistry. All is not lost - consider moving. If most children in an area attend the local comprehensive school your daughter will make friends with people of her own ability.
Angela, Loughborough
My children haven't got to secondary school age yet so I'm not having to make these decisions yet - just hoping the local schools will improve... But surely if, after coaching, a child still falls below the entry level, it tells you that they would struggle to keep up. Wouldn't it be better for a child's confidence to be able to cope with the work than to be struggling and always near the bottom of the class. Or is it that the other children were all groomed by private schools and / or better tutors?
Emma, London
When I took the grammar school test, I too was a couple of measily points short. I was top of the class when I started at the local comprehensive and hated it. My brother was bottom of the class in the local grammer school, which he scraped into and scraped by staying there.
In my opinion, there should be more than a choice between a comprehensive and a grammar. People achive their full potential around others of similar abilities. This happens for the very average person, and the very bright people, but quite-bright and not so bright people aren't going to feel like their education is as good as the majority feel it is.
Jon, Canterbury
You've admitted to pushing up to this point, so I don't really see your dilemna. Of course you must push one more time. Grammar schools are unfair and suck talent and aspiration away from other schools which are then seen as second best. But if you're buying into that by tutoring then entering your daughter for the entrance exams, then go ahead, and go the whole hog. Good luck.
Jane, Cornwall
I wouldn't attempt to tell you what to do as a parent but I will say one thing. It makes me very angry to think of a child of ten feeling that she is not good enough for what is clearly a better resourced or motivated educational setting. At ten years old I too failed a similar test in Gloucestershire (in 1979) which meant I could not go to the local grammar school and instead faced going to a very scruffy, demotivated school next door. My parents who were not in well paid jobs worked extremely hard to pay for me to go to the local independent girls school where I arrived thinking I was probably not bright enough to be there.
At about 15 years old something changed for me - I started to be more focused and could concentrate better and did well in my O levels. ... I went into the sixth form and gained 3 a grades in A levels and won a place to read English at Oxford University where I gained a good 2.1. This was the girl who like your daughter at 10 was labelled a failure. ...
Last year I took part in some research into dyscalculia, which is the maths equivalent of dyslexia. After 25 years of wondering why I always did so badly in 11 plus exams and number based exams I was told I had dyscalculia. Which explained to some degree my very low score in an exam at 10. It is completely inappropriate to make a snap judgement about children at this age unless you can guarantee that the education those children receive and the expectations that the teachers and school have of them is equal, whether or not they go to a grammar or a secondary school. ...
Charlotte H, London
In my experience of living in Kent where the 11-plus is still alive and kicking, it is not good enough to send a bright kid to the local secondary modern if there is a local grammar. The grammar schools push kids to achieve. The secondary moderns, high schools etc, hold the bright kids back as they have to cater to the majority at that school who are not so capable.
The secondary modern I went to (1982-1987) underestimated what many of their pupils were capable of so many kids did as little undemanding work as possible and left with poor results. Some of these children have achieved more as adults than the school would have predicted. The school did not provide a level of education that they deserved.
I would advise you to appeal and if that does not work, get them into a church school which probably gets better results, or fee pay where the classes are smaller and your child is pushed more. You will also find other caring parents at these schools. The ends justify the means. Grades count - you are judged on these when you apply for popular degree courses or jobs - so she deserves the best chance to achieve.
Lesley, London, UK
